Senate Approves Pay Increase For Itself

"Cost of living" raise
Minimum wage goes up, too
Oh wait, it didn't

Jogger Rammed By Cow Plans To Sue

Nose rings banned from schools
"They ram you, then they kill you!"
Bloods, Crips, and now, Milks

Report: Liza Threw Lamp At Ex-Husband in Drunken Rage

Jacko files suit, too
"Liza threw Bubbles at me
and caved in my nose."

[from the Borowitz Report: Liza Minnelli Seeks Larger Role In War On Terror - Will Terrify the Terrorists, Diva Promises]

Report: Cell Phone Explodes in Trousers

Just like picture phones
When you need a groin grenade
Converged devices

7-Eleven Unveils New Hot Beverage Station

Barista's voice cracks
"Mocha chai hotdog slurpee
with a Slim Jim scone"